“You can’t start the next chapter in your life if you keep re-reading the last one”. If you are thinking of trying to reconcile with your husband and are working on trying things again, regardless if you were separated or not, you will have to get to a point of leaving the past behind. It is normal to go through a period of time during counseling where you will want to talk about your pain and the events that transpired that got you where you are, but at some point you have to make a decision that you are going to forgive and focus on the future.

I had a couple that kept on going back in time, and it was stifling the progress. At one point I told them that what was is in the past, and they both sincerely apologized for their wrongdoings, so now it was time to let it go. Once they did, things started to fall into place much faster.

No matter what has happened between you and your spouse, if you are both willing to forgive, let go of the past, and learn new and positive patterns of relating to one another you can both look forward to a much happier future. You just might one day look back and see the time of your separation as a blessing in disguise and the turning point in your relationship.

Are you ready to step back into your truth and own your part? Be super honest with yourself and get very clear if you sincerely want to save your marriage and get back together. If you are sure that you want to save your marriage and are ready to take the necessary steps, commit yourself to invest everything you possibly can. Your heart, your mind, soul and energy. It will take some work, and a strong will to stay committed, but with the guidance of a professional and your willpower you will be able to develop a healthy and intimate connection with your partner again.

Some important things you really need to commit yourself to:

Be patient: Rome wasn’t built in a day, and you will both need to work out your own stuff till you get it right. Don’t lose your patience because your spouse did something he has done in the past and think he or she will never change. And hey, don’t bring up the past all over again! You WILL both make mistakes, hurt one another and mess up from time to time, so expect for things to sometimes go wrong. The world isn’t coming to an end. You are both human and are learning new skills, while getting to know yourself and each other better. Don’t wait for him or her to mess up so you can prove that they aren’t really committed to make things work. Have an accepting and open mind and heart, and be as patient as you would with a child that is learning to ride a bike.

Make your relationship a Priority: You met, fell in love, got married, and then life happened. Things where said that hurt, and somehow your life spiraled out of control. It lead to a separation, to lonely sleepless nights, to pillows soaked in tears, and finally to a reconciliation. After all that pain and anguish you MUST make your relationship a priority! If you got to this point, and you have a second chance to potentially save this marriage, you have to give it ALL you have GOT and then some! This is the most important thing in your life, more important than your job, friends, family, hobbies, or egos. Imagine that your life depended on it, wouldn’t you give it your all?

Learn to Respect your partner:  It wasn’t love letter and roses that got you to this point, nor was it the actions your spouse did to push you away. You might have feelings of hurt, or anger in your heart, but you will have to let them go. It is CRUCIAL that you learn to respect your spouse all over again. Respect is the necessary foundation in every relationship, and every person has some qualities we can respect them for. Learn to love and respect your partner for who they are, and don’t try and change them. (remember change comes from within).

Be kind:  Kindness goes a long way. Treat others like you would like to be treated, so act with kindness and compassion towards your spouse at all times. No matter what the situation may be, take the high road and exhibit kindness, patience and respect. Be sure to stir clear of criticism which is the venom that kills relationships.  Learn how to express yourself in ways that your spouse doesn’t feel attacked, berated, judged or criticized. You will notice that you are getting your message across and getting the results you want. If you are too angry and you know you will come across aggressive or condescending wait till you have calmed down and have found the right words to say. The simple act of being compassionate, caring and kind can actually save your marriage. It is better to lose the little battles in order to win the war. Choose kindness over winning or being right, because being right does not guarantee happiness.

Learn how to express yourself: Opening up about your emotions is often very hard for couples who are getting back together after a separation. You have both been hurt and afraid to be vulnerable. But if you want to rekindle your marriage you will have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and trust the process. The only thing that keeps a marriage alive and thriving is real deep intimacy.  As scared as you are, share intimate moments, by expressing your emotions, and being physically affectionate. Stop and just look deeply into each other eyes for a few long seconds, and remember what it was that you fell in love with in the first place. Share your world and your life with your partner, from the daily mundane events, to important experiences or issues. Talk, touch and connect.

Just have some Fun:  Having been separated can make it challenging to go back to having some simple fun, but it is so important for you two have some fun again. Life is hard, and working on your marriage isn’t a piece of pie either, so bring some fun and light moments into your relationship. Play a fun game, watch a comedy show, and simply laugh a little.

Yes, separation makes things complicated, sometimes very complicated, but making your relationship a priority, giving it your all, and bringing a little fun into it is your unique way to show how much you still care.

“Nobody said it would be easy, but nothing in life worth having ever is.” If your relationship is sacred to you, and you don’t want it to fall apart again, take the initiative to overcome your problems so that you and your partner can rekindle the love again!

If you are struggling after a separation and feel lost and overwhelmed by the process, feel free to reach out for your complimentary Breakthrough complementary session. Click here to schedule your appointment.