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Are you not in love? Or are you unhappy? . . . Know the Difference.

Relationship Coach

Love, by definition can mean a lot of things to a lot of different people.  A typical love story plays out similar to a fairy tale, and why wouldn’t it?  The entire feeling and act of falling in love is quite magical!  In a perfect world, two single human beings connect.  Of course there are issues with cheating spouses, and those falling in love at different stages that may not be deemed ideal, but that’s a whole different story for another blog.  For now, I’m reflecting on an “in a perfect world” scenario.

When two people are in a committed relationship and married (or even when they aren’t married), there may come a time when one, or even both, aren’t feeling that spark of “love” any longer.  Some may consider this something like the “7 year itch,” but in actuality, there’s no specific year that is doomed for failure, it’s just something that happens.  Should you experience this feeling of having a spark-less marriage/relationship, or feel that the two of you are being lead into two different directions, it’s important to validate your feelings and take a step back.

Being in a relationship is human nature, we are drawn to certain people and once there’s a connection, it feels like a forever, unbreakable bond.  After “X” amount of time, bonds become looser and this can be confused with not being in love.  Some may forget why they got married in the first place, and feelings start to become so second nature, that the “love high” has worn off.  This is perfectly normal.  Lust is NOT intended to last forever and sometimes the healthiest relationships are between two people that are just content.

In another scenario, you may be experiencing something way different than a mere disconnect.  There could be the hindering effects caused by lying, cheating, abuse, or a combination of all 3.  Maybe you want kids and they don’t?  Maybe you want to travel or move across the world for work, and they don’t.  Maybe you discover that your faith is taking a different path than theirs and it causes a major dilemma in the future for both of you.  Whatever the case may be, having actual, life changing conflicts, is obviously way different than just not feeling “in love.”

Love is a choice.  It’s a choice you either commit to or you don’t.  It should be both given and received and if either party is falling short on putting forth their effort, it’s almost a guarantee that the other will feel hurt and could even build up resentment.  You know what else Love is? . . . WORK!  Yep, another 4 letter word.  Imagine if you put half the effort into your relationship/marriage, as you do your significant others?  Is your boss more important to you than your personal relationship?  . . . Of course not!  Here’s the difference though.  Each and every day we make a choice to go to work, we make a choice to do our best, play the title we are given and aim to even be the best of the best in our career.  Shift that mindset to marriage.  How much better would your marriage be if you were to devote just as much time to your marriage as you do at work?  How much better would it be if you were trying to be the best wife you can think of?  What do you think that would do?  . . . My intuition says it would make your husband feel like he’s on top of the world.  That feeling of “magical love” may peek it’s little head out, and just like the domino effect, you too will likely feel that spark.

So, what’s the number 1 way to know if you’re boldly not in love anymore?  If you can say it out loud and not even flinch, you may be way gone and no hopes of turning back.  If you are overall content, but just lacking spark or connection, you likely still have something to hold onto.  When contemplating possible divorce, it’s important to figure out why things are way they are and not only concentrate on what you’re feeling.  Sometimes our own feelings lie, they get confused and it’s up to us to use our minds to sometimes mend our hearts, and vice versa.

HERE ARE 5 THINGS YOU CAN DO NOW: 

  1. Make a list of pros and cons about your partner. Have them do the same.
  2. Talk to a worship leader or faith based mentor.
  3. Make the conscience effort to put forth an actual effort, even if your other half appears to reject it. This will help you feel better in the long run, no matter which direction it goes.
  4. Consider therapy, counseling or coaching. Request a Free Consultation at Pearlflax.com.
  5. If children are in the mix, be sure to keep them out of adult conversations that could be deemed inappropriate for their small, developing minds.
  6. Download this amazing free guide https://shouldiorshouldnti.gr8.com/ that will help you go through the 100 most important questions you should ask yourself at this time.

Know that you are never alone, no marriage is all roses all the time, and although you may be hitting a bumpy road right now, it doesn’t mean that it’s all doom and gloom.  Reaching out for help is always the best way to go, so seek the right guidance for yourself and get the clarity you need.

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