You found out your ex moved on…. What was your reaction? What did you feel? For many of us it comes as a shock to our system. Why ? Because you don’t quite understand how he is ready to move on so fast after a deeply committed long term relationship. You probably felt sad and almost sick to your stomach thinking about him being with someone who took your place. So here are some tips that I strongly suggest you follow to lessen the pain and help along with the healing process.
- Allow yourself to feel
It is normal for you to have an emotional reaction to the news of your ex being in a new relationship and feelings of anger, confusion, anxiety, rejection, depression, jealousy are to be expected. Perhaps you are stuck thinking about what went wrong and are confused as to how he could possibly have moved on so fast, while you are still reeling in pain. Or maybe you feel an overwhelming sense of jealousy towards the new woman in his life. Promise yourself to honor your emotions and give yourself permission to feel. When you don’t fight painful feelings they tend to subside sooner. And yes it will get better… I promise!
- Do NOT turn yourself into a stalker
Back in the day when I got divorced we didn’t have social media or facebook, so stalking ex’s wasn’t as easy as it is today. With technology making it so easy for us it is very tempting to check out your ex’s FB page and find out information about the girl who stole your ex’s heart. But think about it… what good will it do for you? What will gain by it? Once you find her profile you will have a million things running through your mind, such as “What does she have that I don’t?”, “what does he see in her?”, “why her and not me?”… these questions will just drive you crazy and end up holding you back from moving on. Go out there, grab a cup of coffee with a friend, go to a yoga class or do anything else that makes YOU HAPPY!
- Newer isn’t always better
Here is the thing, a new woman is not like getting a new car, so don’t think of it as your ex got an upgrade. He didn’t! the person your ex is dating isn’t necessarily smarter, prettier, funnier, more attractive, kinder than you. The fact that you broke up wasn’t a failure on your part, it just didn’t work out. Some relationships are not meant to last forever, and you don’t know that things will work with this new person either. Your ex moving on is not a testament of your inadequacy.
- Focus on YOU
If it was your ex that initiated the breakup, or perhaps even cheated on you, you might still be in love with him/her. It makes sense that you are still obsessing over ways on how you could get him back. However, if he/she has moved on and is with someone new, you need to change the focus from him and what you the two of you had towards just YOU. Don’t waste your thoughts and energy on him and his new girl, it won’t make him change his mind, instead start fully focusing on you.
- Reasons for your break up
One of the things that works really well for my clients is to make a list of reasons why your ex was not right for you, as well as why the relationship ended. Write down all the things that bothered and triggered you from him, from the smallest irritating thing to the biggest. For example: he/she was too loud, he/she had a short fuse, he/she was too into himself, he/she was shallow, he/she wasn’t romantic …. You get the idea. Now that you have your long list make sure you stick it on your fridge or next to your bathroom mirror where you will easily see it. Seeing and reading the list every day will help you stay focused on moving forward and allow you to build a future with someone way more amazing that will be a better match for you.
- Your ex didn’t WIN
My ex got engaged seven month after our divorce, his new fiancée had been divorced for a month. Granted it came as a shock, but I never ever perceived him moving on as him winning. Moving on faster is not an indication of how desirable you are. If you look around you at people you know, you might notice that it’s not necessary the most desirable and attractive people who get into relationships easily. I was committed to healing and finding myself and nothing he did with his life really had an impact on me. Keep your focus on you. I know…. I keep saying it, but it’s the only way.
- Find things that distract you
It is normal for your mind to wander from time to time, thinking about your ex and his new girl. You probably picture them doing things that the two of you used to do together, or wonder how their relationship is different from what it was like with you. These thought are killers and really mess with our minds and heart since they reopen the breakup wounds. You have the power to shift your focus and find ways to distract yourself and keep your mind occupied with healthier and happier thoughts as well as things. Get a good book, hit the gym, pick up a new hobby, do things you wanted to do that your ex didn’t enjoy. The goal is to find fun distractions that are healthy so your mind can stop focusing on your ex. Remember “where focus goes energy flows”, Tony Robbins.
It will take time to heal the breakup/divorce wounds, but as they say time heals almost everything. Give time time, and remember to stay focused on yourself and find healthy ways to occupy your mind with.
If you are struggling and feel overwhelmed and alone, feel free to reach out for your complimentary “Unleash your power” complementary session. Click here to schedule your appointment.