The holidays are just around the corner and this time of year tends to encompass plans for 2019, holiday proposals, elopements and holiday-themed or tropical destination weddings. If and when you consider getting married again, it is important to look past any current feelings of lust and butterflies. I can only hope that once upon a time you felt those same feelings with your former spouse too. While this time around may seem or feel different, it takes acknowledgment and assurance of three things to fully validate and feel almost certain that you are in the position to take this leap. I will break them down for you here.
- Are you true to yourself? I am talking about EVERYTHING in your life. You should not feel like you are holding anything back from who you really are. You should not be acting a certain way, showing interest in something that you’re not interested in, dressing in a style that isn’t your own, or altering your persona in any way. If the person you are in a relationship doesn’t know you for “you,” they are in love with a person that doesn’t truly exist. While you can play that persona role now, the truth will eventually come out. You will then feel resentful for “changing,” and they too will feel resentful because you basically lied to them. Sure, some of this may seem obvious, but I can not tell you how often this happens. Lust takes over and it’s like we as human beings lose our minds and get so hung up on the excitement that a new relationship brings, that we forget who we really are and become someone we aren’t even close to being, only because it mimics what we THINK the other person desires. You can avoid this from ever happening by being yourself from the very start. Lay as much out on the table as you possibly can. . . “dirty laundry” and all.
- Are you over your Ex? People divorce for different reasons. Maybe it was you that chose to divorce, maybe it was the other half. Either way, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are fully over them. Even if you may not feel that you are “in love” with the other person anymore, any form of “baggage” you are carrying, means you have not moved past it. Still holding resentment? Do what Elsa did and “Let it go.” Face your feelings, be honest with yourself and allow yourself the right amount of time to let old feelings fade. The goal here is to get to a neutral state. When someone says your Ex’s name, how does it make you feel? If you feel hatred, you’re not over it. If you feel sad, you’re not over it, if you feel the same as you did prior to hearing their name, you have probably reached a neutral state and that’s what you want! Some great ways to work through this is to write a journal, take up a new hobby, meditate, travel and fall in love with yourself all over again. The last thing you want to do is re-marry and go into that marriage with this bag of feelings that will ultimately backfire on you personally as well as the new marriage/relationship.
- Do you love yourself and put yourself first? While we are raised to be selfless and care for others, loving yourself first is hugely important. If you aren’t in love with yourself, you can’t fully love someone else. Remember, you teach others how to treat you. When you alter who you really are as a person, that’s not loving yourself. When you allow an ex to control your emotions, that’s not loving yourself. When you allow any other human being to dictate what’s right or wrong for YOU, you’re putting their feelings ahead of your own, altering your own values and not loving yourself. Love others, care for others, show compassion for others, but never jeopardize your values, morals, or persona in the process. Loving yourself will bring a sense of calming that will show from the inside out. You will feel invigorated and whole. That wholeness will transition to wholesome happiness. You will shine in the light of the person that you truly are and be full and open to accepting love from another and in turn, fully returning that love to them, without altering any being of yourself.