Breakups can be extremely difficult and have a huge impact on our mental health, specifically our sense of self or our self esteem. If you left a controlling or narcissistic relationship it can be even harder, and feel almost like the withdrawal symptoms of an addiction. As strange as it sounds we get used to the familiar and the absence of it, can at times leave us very lost and confused. (Hence so many women stay stuck in abusive relationships). But if you are one of the courageous ones that was strong enough to leave, you will now find that leaving was not enough. Now you need resources and tools to get back your lost self.

So, I am going to share a couple of things that I did to help myself after my divorce in the hopes that it will help you get back on your feet and well, get you to FALL IN LOVE with you.

  1. Spoil yourself. I know sounds crazy…. But it’s exactly the reason why you NEED to do it. This is your time, a time of healing and nurturing yourself. A breakup is a time in which you grieve (regardless of who wanted out), and while you grieve you really need to be kind to yourself and help your emotions heal. Treat yourself to a small vacation, massages, lunch with your girlfriend, an awesome new book, a mini make over in your room. Do something that will make you feel re-energized.  A couple of years ago after my husbands heart attack and stroke, (which he needed 8 month to recover from) I actually renovated our living room. I needed to create something positive and fun, and as crazy as it sounds to do so during such difficult times, it was the best thing I did.
  2. Get professional guidance: The first thing I did was get myself a mentor to get the clarity I needed after my divorce. I needed to understand what happened and learn what not to do the next time around. I truly believe it is what got me to the happy place I am in today. Re-married to the love of my life, on solid ground. Lessons learnt, wounds healed, and a ton of awareness.
  3. Do NOT DATE: One of the biggest mistakes I see people doing is dating right away or too soon. You might feel like you need to assuage your loneliness or boost your self esteem by knowing you have still got it, but trust me it is not the right time. No matter what others tell you about getting back in the “dating game”, please don’t date now You’re too vulnerable, raw and most likely confused. You’re likely to date for the wrong reasons and make poor choices in the partners you pick. Wait a few months, do your inner healing. Learn to love yourself first, and identify red flags you may have overlooked in the past. Truly get crystal clear on what you have learned about yourself and how you show up in relationships.
  4. Write a letter to your EX. I love this practice and have done this in many situations in my life. The letter is for you, not your ex. Express what transpired, what didn’t work, what your part was, what you learned and what you are grateful for. It is a very therapeutic process that will help you heal and get clarity.
  5. Fall madly in love with yourself. After a breakup or divorce our self esteem is usually crushed, even when we are able to put on a show. Mostly its just a show. Now is the time to truly get to know and love yourself. Take some time to think and reflect? What do you love and appreciate about yourself? Now grab your journal and write the list clearly. If you have trouble making the list ask a friend. If you are really so shattered that nothing works, please do reach out to a coach or therapist.

Regardless of where you are, and why, I believe in you. I believe that what lies behind you and what lies ahead of you are small matters compared to what lies inside of you.

You are a lot stronger than you think.

You are a lot more resilient. I believe in you.

Don’t let the past control your future.  Check out my free Masterclass on the Seven proven ways to help boost and gain back your self-esteem. 

First step to getting back to loving YOURSELF!

 

It was a long time ago….. I was eighteen, I can remember sitting for the first time in a therapist office with my parents. My parents are real old school and totally don’t believe in the therapeutic approach, so looking back I realize that that encounter was miraculous. (Perhaps it was the foundation on which my healing journey began).

I remember the therapist ask my father if he loved me. He was enraged and thought the question was futile and silly. He didn’t want to answer it. But the therapist kept pushing (I think she figured out who my father was), and he finally responded: “Of course I love her, what kind of stupid question is that?”. She then proceeded: “do you ever tell her?”, he replied, “she knows I do, there is no need for that”.

As I am sure you can imagine, I craved to hear those three simple words “I love you” throughout my childhood. I desperately wanted to know that he loved me, but it was something that was hard for him to do (or say), and I think that in that session it was one of the very few times I heard him say something loving and kind.

Words are very powerful, VERY, and at times we don’t realize how much impact they have. They can break you or make you.

If you were raised in a home where children where meant to be seen and not heard, you may have lacked the basics in emotional self confidence development. If you were raised by parents who didn’t know how to be expressive or lacked healthy communication skills you might find yourself struggling in some ways.

For some it’s a lack of positive loving words, for some it’s the constant criticism and negative feedback, and for some it’s both or worse.

There are so many ways in which a low self esteem can impact our lives that it sometimes frightens me. Being a parent myself today I know what my words can do, and I am careful to use them wisely and mindfully.

Here are some of the ways your life may be impacted if you are struggling with a low self esteem:

  • Overdoing things: You are struggling with feelings of I am not good enough and push yourself to your limits just, so you can prove yourself. This approach will leave you depleted of energy, and ultimately not give you that sense of self-acceptance you are yearning for.
  • Anxiety and Stress: You often feel anxious or stressed because you lack the confidence that you can handle what life is giving you. You get overwhelmed easily being controlled by the belief that you can’t cope with life.
  • Sadness: You sometimes feel sad and down about yourself. You can’t see the value in yourself and it makes it hard for you to find happiness and enjoyment in your life.
  • Holding back: You are too afraid to speak up when you have something to say during a party with friends, or at a meeting at work. You fear that you will be judged and that what you have to say isn’t important, smart or valuable enough.
  • Missed opportunities: You don’t apply for that position someone told you about because you are telling yourself you don’t have what it takes to qualify as a candidate. You don’t approach a guy who has been making eye contact with you and clearly wants to connect with you or make yourself unapproachable. You are too afraid, so holding back is better then taking a chance, turning your life into one missed opportunity after another.
  • Sabotage Relationships: You push potential relationships away in fear that it isn’t a mutual feeling. You don’t trust the compliment you just got and counter it with something negative about yourself. When you hear “I love you” you question whether it’s true and why someone would love you.

There was a time when I did all of the above, and I realized that this wasn’t something I could ignore any longer. It was destroying my life and any opportunity that came my way. I believe that having a low self-esteem can truly turn you into your own worst enemy and rob you of real happiness and joy in life.

I encourage you to turn inward and make a commitment to pursue the path of healing, and find your own self love this year. Don’t keep pushing it off, it won’t get better, trust me.

Take this as an opportunity to watch my “7 Proven Steps to Boost and rebuild you Confidence” Masterclass for FREE, and start your transformation TODAY!