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Recovering from a divorce always entails a mixture of emotions and ups and downs.  In addition to the emotional roller coaster comes the financial fear that at times seems to paralyze people.  It’s simple math. . . 2 incomes are better than one income, and if you were married, but didn’t work outside of the home, you’ve gone from one income, to no income. I know that reality can be quite scary and overwhelming. I know because I was there myself and that is why I am here to tell you that this financial burden and fear  you may experience right now is not the end all, and be all.

Yes, it’s scary and it sucks, but it is not what your life will be like in a year from now (or maybe even less), and there is a ton of potential to make changes that can turn your challenges into incredible blessings.

Here are some suggestions of things I think you should start with:.

  1. Change your Money Mindset:  Try to NOT think about money as a bad thing (debt, bills, collections, etc).  Instead see it as an opportunity and a tool for which you will be the master of.  When you stop worrying about money, and start focusing on how you will increase your quality of life, and take control of your life,  you will shift your energy from scarcity to abundance and that is the first step to attaining financial freedom.
  2. Don’t live beyond your means.  Yes, you might come from a 5000 square foot home, or the most luxurious condo in your city, but it’s time to face reality.  Don’t sign up for anything you can’t comfortably afford.  Take a step back and reevaluate what your priorities are. When I was marriage I lived in a beautiful condo that I realistically couldn’t afford after my divorce. I moved onto my parents two family home and created a  beautiful cozy home for my daughter and myself. It served us amazingly well and we have some of the best memories of those years. If things are really challenging for your right now consider living with a friend or relative is an option!   It’s only temporary (assuming you make the other changes that I am listing in this post).  Save where you can, don’t overindulge and be mindful of things you need vs. what you want.   
  3. Save automatically.  There are several ways to save automatically, but one of the best ways is to put a small percentage of your earnings into a savings account. Once funds are in savings, forget about them!  If you have to open a whole new bank account to prevent yourself from being tempted, do that.  If you can’t see it every time you login to your online banking, you’re less likely to spend it.  If you ever do spend it, I can assure you, you will regret it.
  4. Have a Plan: Know how much money you ideally need to live comfortably.  Then ask yourself how are you going to make that income?  What resources do you have to accomplish that plan?  How fast could you make that plan a reality?   I get that these are all very broad and open ended questions, but they are only for you to answer. Here is a great tool you can download for FREE to help you get clarity on your expenses https://pearlflaxfinancialfreedom.gr8.com/ (the best part is that I programmed the sheet to do all the math for you :)!
  5. Check your Credit: One thing you don’t want to do is let months go by and you realize that your credit is now shot because you had debts you either didn’t know about, or had forgotten about because your spouse handled paying the bills.  As soon as you can, check your credit.  Know how much debt you have, who is owed and ensure that managing any personal debt is part of your budget and your plan.  If you find that you are in more debt than you can afford, make the right calls with the debtors and let them know you are having some difficulty.  As long as you communicate with them, they will find a way to work with you.  It’s when you ignore them that gets you nowhere and only damages your credit.

I know that you might be in a place where your financial challenges might feel paralyzing, but instead of allowing them to drain and control you, use them to motivate and challenge yourself to think creatively and tap into your resilience.   Follow these manageable steps and a year from now (maybe sooner), you will look back and appreciate how you got to where you are. I know the struggle is real, very real, and I had days I didn’t know how to feed my child, but I never gave up and I knew I could be more and do more. YOU ARE MADE of so much more and you will rise above this! I did and SO CAN YOU!

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Mindset is a combination of perspective, which leads to emotions and then to actions.  It is the way you “think,” and thus make decisions through life and just in your day-to-day.  So how do you know you have the right mindset?  Start off with the prompts I’ve provided below and write a prompt for ever day of the week.  See how you respond and then go back and revisit these questions any time you are feeling down or unmotivated.  Eventually, you will start to find the silver linings, even in some of the worst situations, or on some of your hardest days. 

Some say that a healthy and positive mindset coincides with the Law of Attraction.  Meaning, if you are positive, positive things will come your way.  While I’m not vouching that if you think you are going to wake up tomorrow and be a millionaire, it will happen, I do believe that how you deal with your daily obstacles will lead to more open doors, which could potentially get you to that millionaire status! 

Changing your mindset isn’t something that happens overnight. It is something that you have to first decide to work on, commit to doing the work and taking the appropriate action steps. You might think that attending a seminar or a Tony Robbins event you will magically change your mindset and life.  It may be the first step, but what really brings about the transformation is your constant devotion towards your desired goals. 

As I teach in Unleash Your Power to build up confidence, I can see the definite link between confidence and mindset training as well.  Sometimes a boost in confidence is what paves the path to a healthier mindset.  You will start to feel more certain of yourself that you will succeed, or that you will overcome any pain lingering from your past, and moving forward from that is HUGE! 

Now, onto the meat and potatoes of this post, the 7 prompts I wanted to share with you to help grow your mindset every day. 

  1. One good thing that happened today, but I didn’t expect was . . .
  2. Today, I am most thankful for having ___________ in my life (this could be a person, a pet, a thing. . your choice). Do not make this general, be specific.
  3. Get your frustration out!  Name anything that you aren’t happy about right now.  For every ONE thing you are NOT happy about, I want you to list 2 things you are happy about.  Example: If you are mad that you woke up late today, or mad that you had a bad hair day, those are 2 things.  Now name 4 things you ARE happy about. 
  4. One of my best qualities is ________________ because _________________
  5. This week I helped someone else by . . .
  6. Name one thing/thought that you need to let go of:  Write it down and list 5 reasons to let it go, and 5 ways you are going to let it go.
  7. Write a positive quote/motivational note for yourself to read next week.  Write this quote/short note on your calendar as your affirmation for the week. 

These are just 7 prompts, but they are powerful and the more you do this, you will find that your thought process changes over time.  You may even decide to expand your prompts and come up with some of your own.  Now, break out that 2019 journal and start growing your mindset!

If you need to boost your confidence before jumping into mindset, Click HERE and you can tune into a Free Training that features 7 Proven ways to Boost and Rebuild your Confidence!  I would love to have you join me!

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The children of today are the leaders of tomorrow.  As adults, it’s easy to forget that these young kids that we are trying to teach simple manners to or have to remind to brush their teeth, will be full-fledged adults, just like us.  It’s therefore only natural that we dismiss how relevant our “authority” and example can play such a significant role in how our littles evolve. Nurture over nature is not anything new, it holds a ton of truth, and regardless of if you’re a single parent or happily married (maybe unfortunately unhappily married even), you still have control of how your kids are shaped.  

Here are 3 Ways Instill or Boost the confidence in your kids (at any age)

  1. Learn to Disagree:  Whether it’s with a spouse, a friend, a co-worker, etc.  You are bound to encounter conflict.   Conflict is normal and it’s part of life, and actually helps us grow.  The best way to teach your kids to overcome conflict is to agree to disagree.  Show them that being narrow-minded gets them nowhere and will only add to their frustration, which can lead to anxiety and depression.  Instead, it’s imperative to teach kids that not everyone thinks, feels or perceives things the same way.  Having this instilled in them will allow them to overcome conflict without it taking over their emotions as they face conflict of their own as adults.  
  2. Remind them How Loved they are:  You can never say “I love you” too much.  And besides the words alone, show them you love them by making 1 on 1 time with them.  Tell them how proud you are of them about a test, a performance, or even something simple, like doing what they are supposed to do on a routine basis.  Over time, this “show and tell” of love will boost their confidence and security within themselves, just by showing them what you naturally feel as their parent.  I have a client who is blessed with four children. She has this beautiful ritual of doing every night a quality night with each child. It makes them feel special and gives them individual time and attention to bond.
  3. Never put your Child in the Middle:  Whether you are married, divorced or separated, it’s important to remember that you’re 1 of 2 of their parents.  Typically children that have both of their parents in their life, love them both the same.  Yes, they may get away with more with mom, vs. dad,  or vice versa, but ultimately, both parents are important.  If you are ever fighting with their other parent, or even if you aren’t fighting, but just feel any kind of animosity towards them, it’s super important to keep your kids out of it.  They are the middle person here, and should never feel like they have to favor sides.  What this will do is make them weaker as an adult when they are faced with choices that they don’t want to make.  Teaching them to allow themselves to be overpowered by someone else’s opinion will affect their confidence greatly!

You no doubt, love your kids.  Whether they are babies or teens, it’s never too late to shape them.  If you start doing these things TODAY, no matter what you did YESTERDAY, you will help instill the confidence your child needs to be a more successful, independent and confident leader of our future.  

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[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ admin_label=”section” _builder_version=”3.0.47″][et_pb_row admin_label=”row” _builder_version=”3.0.98″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”3.0.47″ parallax=”off” parallax_method=”on”][et_pb_text admin_label=”Text” _builder_version=”3.0.98″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_font=”||||||||” text_font_size=”18px”] Have you ever gotten in an argument with your spouse (or significant other)? Well, of course, you have,  as human beings, having an argument from time to time is bound to happen.  Some people argue more than they would like to, while others will do anything and everything to avoid conflict completely by shutting off.   So where is the fine median? How do you know the difference between a normal/healthy disagreement/argument versus one that gets out of control and spirals into something way deeper than it should have gone?  And more importantly, how can you recover and stop an argument from going too far?

I know those are a lot of questions and I’m sure your mind is thinking about all of those different scenarios at once and are now wondering what the answers to those questions may be.   While I won’t be able to get through all of those questions in one single blog, I will dial in on one of the most important question of them all . . . How to recover and keep an argument with your spouse from going too far.

So, here’s some food for thought as I get started.  In a book titled “The Power of the Other,” by Dr. Henry Cloud, he notes that it takes 5 positive things to say to someone to make up one single negative thing!  This should technically be a rule we live by if we want to have healthy happy relationships in our lives. Ask yourself, when someone gives you a compliment do you internalize it as much as a criticism? Thought so! That is why this rule is so important because the negative message goes deeper and cause a greater impact on us. Keeping that fact in mind, here are 3 ways to prevent your argument from going too far.

  1. Use words with caution:  The rule of thumb “if you can’t say anything nice, say nothing at all” is powerful!  While a spouse may be throwing jabs at you, you can stop the fight by either A. Saying nothing at all (until things cool off), or B. Simply stating… “I’m sorry you feel that way, let’s talk about this when we are both in a better place.”  I know this is hard for a lot of people.  It’s in our nature to stand up for ourselves, but the power of timing is crucial here!  In the heat of an argument, it’s too easy to let things spiral out of control as we tend to get into a battle and the need to have the last word.
  2. Count to 3 and ask yourself: “Will this “issue, matter in a year? Next week? Or even tomorrow?  Is it life changing?”  If the answer is “no,” which typically it is, then you might want to consider how much energy you really want to put into such an argument.  Sometimes taking a step back to look at the bigger picture can do more wonders than you realize.
  3. Create a Safe-word:  You and your spouse should come up with a “safe word.” A safe word is a word that is basically saying “enough is enough.”  It’s equivalent to a need for a “time-out.”  Sometimes couples even use words that relate to their first date or another special moment in their life.  This serves 2 purposes.  It can not only communicate to your spouse that you all need to stop arguing, but also can bring up a good memory that is meaningful to the both of you, allowing the “recovery” from the conflict to work that much sooner! One of my clients chose the word “sandbox” as a safe word since it’s a word I use in sessions sometimes and it reminds them to step out of the sandbox and automatically calms them both down.

Understand that everyone will experience arguments with their spouse or significant other, and in actuality, they are healthy and normal. My grandmother used to joke that if two people live together and never disagree it is a waste for them to pay rent.  You don’t want your argument to get out of control though or result in even more issues than what started a conflict. These arguments are tests on your relationship and getting through them will prove to make the two of you that much closer, creating a marriage that will continue to thrive and conquer.[/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][/et_pb_section]